Beyond Aesthetics: The Art of Designing Homes for Varied Tastes
I get it. The struggle is real if you have a desire to be bold and carefree with your house and your partner… does not. Admittedly, my setup is a bit of a unicorn. My partner, Gordon (tee hee that’s not his name but it’s his favorite and he wishes to be kept anonymous), does not want to participate in any design decisions. Blessing in disguise maybe? For one, all of my creations are solely attributed to my imagination. And then I don’t have to force him to weigh in on any decisions.
But that’s just it: he doesn’t tell me his opinions and sometimes he actually does not like what I’ve done and he just doesn’t voice them because he’s afraid of the incredible backlash. GASP! He isn’t in love with everything I do??? He has opinions and thoughts of his own? C'est quoi ce bordel! I was incredibly sad when he told me that he does not always feel at home in his own house. That was like a dagger in my heart. Maybe I had gone overboard and been too selfish, but then again… I am an interior artist with a penchant for the extraordinary and I need to realize my vision without compromise. We had agreed in the very beginning that this would be the plan. He will take a backseat while I go for it. No compromises, just pure intuition and art. I’m very lucky.
Then there are those that have the complete opposite problem. Their partners do not want anything to do with fuschia and chartreuse and plaid and crazy Polish movie posters and all the craziness and fun and they actually want to weigh in. I feel for you.
From a interior stylist’s perspective, the problem is compounded when one partner signs off on the design and the other could not be more dissatisfied. They did not sign up for this:
Burlesque icon Dita Von Teese pictured in her library featuring built-in shelves, designed to mirror the room's pre-existing Moorish archways.
But rather this:
It’s important to note that while I really do not like Japandi and/or vanilla girl design, that is my own personal opinion. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either, it’s just a matter of preference.
But that leaves us with the question: what is a maximalist to do???? Fortunately, I’ve dealt with several polar opposite partners and have I am here to lend some very helpful advice to avoid friction and also get what you want. After all, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?
Required reading: It Takes Two
Ask & listen
It pains me to say this, but you might actually have to listen to your partner. I know, I know. They’re wrong. But let’s not hold it against them. Sure, their Pinterest feed is on the bare side and they have never heard of wainscoting or dopamine decor. But they do live in the same house.
Before you start on any design journey, schedule a time to chat with your partner and break out your best therapy voice to ask:
What are your concerns?
Are there any special colors or decor items you would like to be considered?
Is there anything you absolutely hate?
(They only get one thing, so better make it worth it!)
is there a room you will use exclusively? aka office, bedroom, studio, etc.
what budget are you comfortable with? is there anything you would be willing to splurge on?
Each question is specifically designed to open a conversation without judgment. The number one concern of most NON-maximalists are budget and living in an over-stimulating environment. These are completely valid concerns! Believe it or not, some people are not exactly excited to be surrounded by off-putting portraits and knick-knacks. I know, right?
But it’s not all bad news for your vision, however. My next bit of advice is for them to ask you SAME EXACT QUESTIONS! That’s right. They get to ask you about your concerns and goals for the design and you get to be heard as well.
This is also where you also get to address budget in your answer. Chances are you’ve done your research and you know how much a sofa costs. Challenge any unrealistic budgets by addressing them head on and showing them examples of why the budget needs to be increased or massaged. I even go a step further and break down budgets for different aspects of the design. For example, let’s say your overall budget is $15000. Let $5000 be for the sofa, and then so on and so forth. Do not skimp on items where quality is essential. I promise you, you can find amazing art for less than you think: Large Art for Little Money
Again, everyone concerned should get what they need from this design. You’re not here to win, you’re here to show them you’re willing to work with them but also create a beautiful home to share. After all is said and done, you will both have your concerns heard and voiced.
The next step will be a little tricky, however:
You actually have to listen to everything they answer. Yup, the number one ingredient for harmony is trust. If you pretend to listen and take in their concerns, but then decide to do what you want anyway, that’s a little selfish. No, actually, that’s a lot selfish. So don’t do that.
However, if you still feel like they are stifling your creative spirit and they are just being incredibly short-sighted and close-minded, ask them this one question:
What song would you use to describe the vibe you would like?
This question allows them to let go of pre-conceived notions of interior design and instead focus on something they enjoy. Too often, interior design gets relegated to the “necessary evil” category. They are notsomuch into Japandi decor or Restoration Hardware. They are actually just responding to a very relatable and easy-to-manage aesthetic. They would choose a uniform over casual Friday every time. They have more important things to worry about and do not want to stress over what wallpaper goes where. And that’s ok.
But asking them what song they would like to reference allows them to get a little in the creative spirit with you. When you think about it, every song is a little theatrical and emo, so it’s easy to distill that into a design. Everyone knows how to answer this question, even the most cynical home-owner. I recently worked for a couple who fit this exact scenario. She wanted bold and electric, he wanted no-fuss and calming. Thank god I asked the question “What song would you like your feel to like"? And they answered “Bruce Springsteen and Katy Perry”! Otherwise, these two would be at odds. The result was a happy harmony of leather and neon:
Give them their space (and yours, too)
If you haven’t guessed it already, I have been in therapy for a very long time. Even if you are completely well-adjusted, I still recommend going to a therapist. Because you’re not. No one is.
But that being said, some of the best advice I have ever gotten came from my paid friends. In my house, I am a little bit of a control freak. My husband is more relaxed and easy-going when it comes to the chores and tidiness. So I give him his office. I am not allowed in his office, nor can I even decorate it for him. In fact, it’s been YEARS since I’ve stepped foot in there. I shutter to think what lives in there as we speak.
On the other hand, I decorated my office/bedroom in all yellow:
And he HATES yellow (that was the one color he was allowed to ban).
When you design your home, let them make the decorating decisions in the room they will use the most. Similarly, they will have to let you make ALL the design decisions for the room you will use the most. Every other room can be a compromise, but your room is where you can go hogwild and just let your dreams explode all over the place.
Give it time
Have you ever noticed that the things you really cannot live with one day, don’t seem so important the next? No? Well I do. Many days, I get a bad case of the “I’ve got it have it now or I will regret it forever.” Oftentimes, advertisers make you think this is your last chance to buy this thing or that thing, when in reality they are just trying to create demand.
I’m here to tell you that the green sofa that you’ve just spotted and now must have or else you’ll die… give it a beat. Especially if your partner is not as jazzed about it.
I have had clients that are absolutely sure they NEED color blocked walls or a certain wallpaper design or a particular chair, and then their partners nixed it. Guess what happened! Nothing. They got over it. So in other words, don’t let your design aspirations dictate your final result.
compromise is actually a good thing
There is the famous saying:
Careful what you wish for. It might just come true.
The same can be applied to interior design. In fact, I’ll go so far that decorating your home SHOULD be a collaboration. Some of the best creations have been made out of compromises. A different design aesthetic actually creates nuance and layers. Isn’t that beautiful?
For example, let’s take this maximalist space:
To see the full spread, check it out here.
Eclectic? Check. Maximalist? Check. Effortless? Check.
It is unstudied and un-designed but so effortlessly cool. In other words, I would want to live here. But here’s why it works: with everything going on, if it were just the classical aesthetic or the modern aesthetic, it would not be as interesting. If it were, then it would not feel so balanced. It would feel stuffy and theme-y. How boring would it be if all the lights were crystal chandeliers and all the furniture were overstuffed upholstered monstrosities? It needs that little jolt of excitement to make it… just so goddamned beautiful. Mm mm mm.
Whenever I work with couples with competing aesthetics, I let one aesthetic win one big battle and then let the other take a backseat until it’s its turn to shine. Believe it or not, you need that balance.
Believe it or not, listening to your partner might be the best collaboration for your vision! It might just be the unexpected spice that makes the whole dish new and exciting. How about them apples?
What are your thoughts?
Please let me know in the comment section below! C’mon, I know you have something to say!!
Do you have a partner that is open to your design ideas? Or do you live with someone who is the complete opposite of your design aesthetic? How do you cope?
