I sleep in a separate room from my partner and I’m happily married
There I said it. For years, I have been so very embarrassed to admit this fact. In fact, I’ve never mentioned it out loud until now. I haven’t even mentioned it until recently to our marriage counselor, that’s how ashamed I have been.
Oh, and my partner and I see a couples counselor. I’m not painting a very happy picture, am I? Sleeping in separate rooms AND seeing a couples counselor? I should be throwing a divorce party by now, burning my wedding dress in effigy and registering myself on Grindr, according to mainstream media.
But we’re not. We are extremely happy together. Yes we have fights. But not as bad as they were several years ago. And I sleep like a log every night and am ready to face the day and be happy and calm with my partner. And so can he. I might argue it is because we have given ourselves this space that we are able to gel so well during the day.
I get to remember why I chose him in the first place: he makes me laugh and lets me be myself. That’s it. He’s my Roger Rabbit. These are rare qualities to find, and I hit the motherlode. Screw romance, ambition, hegemonic masculinity - I’ve got a guy that never gets boring (even when we are) and thinks I’m awesome.
And, if you’re thinking, “Well when do they have sex?” Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re a perv if you thought that. I hate how sex is a taboo topic even though it seems to be everywhere.
We do. I’m going to say something really, really revolutionary and blatant, so pardon me in advance:
Sleeping is not fucking.
The fact that the two things are conflated really illustrates how mixed up as a society we actually are! I’ll give you a minute to recover and also reflect on that statement. Sure, there are those couples who wake each other up in the middle of the night to fool around. That’s not me or my partner, especially after 12 years of marriage. We have our fun, but don’t wake me up in the middle of the night and disrupt my REM cycle just to get off. Yes it’s important, but I have stuff to do the next day. I’m free Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays for that kind of thing.
So where did we get this idea that’s so very implanted in our collective minds??
Sleep divorce
I actually remember the first time this idea seeped into my consciousness. Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate, explains to young, impressionable Benjamin that she and her husband of many years no longer sleep in the same bedroom. The impression was that MR. Robinson was engaged in extra-marital affairs, and so she decided to do the same, but “stayed together for the kids.”
Married people sleeping in separate beds or rooms is not a new concept. Lucy and Desi did it and seemed happy enough. But this was the first time any negative connotation was attached to it. The Graduate was commenting on our old notions of marriage and love.
In the olden days (in other words the days before the sexual revolution) marriage was about establishing lineage and consolidating wealth. It had very little to do with romance. That’s why stories about love connections were so novel — think Romeo and Juliet where the youngsters get married for love. And guess what? They totally died in the end. As did most romantic heroes. (This is where my degree in English Literature rears it’s ugly head).
Then the SEXUAL REVOLUTION hit and suddenly these ideas about marriage got turned around. Couples had to be in love when they got married. And they had to stay in love or else get divorced. California is famous for it’s “no fault” divorce laws, and not surprisingly, divorces rose shortly after the sexual revolution. Sleeping in separate beds meant disconnection, lovelessness, and general old-fogey-ness. So sleeping in separate beds = bad. Sleeping in the same bed = good.
Of course, I didn’t get these ideas all by myself. No, others far more well-read and knowledgeable did that for me here (again referencing like a good English major):
Over 60 percent of us are sleeping together, according to one study done in the US. Throughout Western history, the pendulum has shifted back and forth from stigma attached to sleeping together versus sleeping apart. The trend of wealthy couples opting for separate bedrooms is nothing new — just think of the sleeping arrangements of Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip as portrayed in The Crown. Theirs is a seriously enduring relationship, even though they have slept apart for decades (at least according to Netflix).
Fast forward to the sexual revolution. That’s when we began to equate the figurative meaning of sleeping together (that is, sex) with the literal meaning, resulting in cultural attitudes that we still hold today — that sleeping apart is necessarily a sign of a loveless or sexless union. There’s even a term for it, “sleep divorce” when couples choose to sleep apart.
i sleep better alone
I’m going to let you in on another secret: I have terrible sleep problems. I haven’t seen a sleep specialist JUST yet, but I was getting close just a few years ago.
First of all, I had terrible habits. I would drink alcohol before bed, look at small screens, watch TV, and basically do ALL the stuff that prevented me from a good night sleep. I thought I had to trick myself into sleeping — I am one those types who just can’t get my mind to stop. And before you get all sanctimonious with me and tell me to meditate, I tried and it did me absolutely no damn good. I’m one of these:
I thought about EVERYTHING every night:
…that time I danced to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” in a talent show and those tough girls threatened to beat me up behind the bleachers because I was so lame…
…how I landed a a difficult trick but farted so loud in front of all my gymnast class-mates and none of them talked to me after that…
…what it would be like to be trapped in a car sinking slowly into a lake..
…how to escape terrorists shooting up the mall, after being trapped behind a cement planter…
…watching the Holter monitor in the hospital beep slower and slower as I take my last breaths and say good bye to my life…
But even after I cut all that stuff out (lots and lots of therapy, people), I still had issues. My partner, even though he has no trouble falling asleep, tosses and turns and basically ends up on the other side of the bed every night. Plus he SNORES. I never snore, ever, of course.
Every day was a struggle to just get through my basic tasks because of my lack of sleep. Plus the barrage of shame and panic that came with it. It was a never ending cycle of not sleeping because of shame and panic and then the shame and panic because I couldn’t sleep.
And you know as well as I do, coffee just makes it worse. I’ve always had trouble sleeping, ever since I was a kid and I felt like I was doomed to be miserable every single day. I was angry and upset and just basically falling apart. And I have too much I want to do to let myself fall apart. I’ve got a very, very, teeny, tiny empire to run here.
So it was 6 years ago I decided to do the unthinkable. That one intrepid thought that could threaten my bliss all for the sake of more sleep. The end of moments of laughter over stupid voices, holding hands in public, comfortable silent moments with someone who knows me better than myself.
Maybe I should sleep alone.
I thought this without any science to back me up and certainly no mass media to show me examples. In fact, JUST the opposite.
To do this might mean the end of my marriage… and I might become Mrs. Robinson, soliciting young impressionable college graduates into hotel rooms for an illicit affair.
It wasn’t a success story overnight, but I will say this: I really enjoyed my alone time in my own bed and in my own room. Even if I couldn’t sleep, somehow the panic was lessened and I didn’t feel scared of waking up my partner in the process (and the ensuing resentment and argument). But gradually I started breaking into my routine and it became easier and easier to drift into sleepland. The anxiety lifted. To this day, I only wake up 2 or 3 times a night and then I typically fall back asleep.
Here’s what the science actually tells us about the costs and benefits of sleeping together or apart. When sleep is measured objectively, people actually sleep worse with a partner. In fact, if you sleep with someone who snores, you can blame them for up to 50 percent of your sleep disruptions.
And yet:
But when you ask those disrupted sleepers “Do you prefer to sleep with your partner or do you prefer to sleep alone?”, most say that they prefer to sleep with their partner. This suggests that our social brain is prioritizing our need for closeness and security at night — even when it comes at a cost to our sleep.
Societal pressure is too hard resist, I guess. But for those of you who took my survey and answered “Yes, I prefer to sleep separate from my partner” and then thanked me for even broaching issue, I write this for you. You’re not the only one and if only a few people read this or even just unsubscribe because it’s not “on brand” with interior design and free advice, so be it.
Even just writing this blog is scary and I’m fully committed to this idea. So if you find yourself struggling with sleep and yet feel societal pressure to sleep in the same bed as your partner for fear of divorce, I’m here for you. Solidarity, man.
decorating your “me” palace
If you’re ready to take the plunge and start sleeping in a separate room from your partner (providing you have the room to do so), I have a few tips to get you started! First off, don’t just call your sleeping bedroom or just “that room.” It is now your “ME PALACE.” Or whatever you want to call it. It’s hard enough bucking societal pressure, so at least have some fun with it!
I am fortunate enough to have a dwelling that can accommodate my very privileged sleeping arrangement. I also am an experienced stylist and know how important comfort and personal flourish can be in your personal space, and the “Me Palace” where I sleep is no different.
Choose colors that you prefer and couldn’t use in the rest of the house. For me, this color is yellow. My partner HATES yellow so I chose a very yellow-centric palette for my room. AND wallpaper!
Artwork and decor: I have a few things in my collection that are not exactly my partner’s favorite. Luckily, I have a place where I can enjoy my Golden Man without the disdainful eye of my partner… I think he’s just jealous.
Pick blankets and pillows more suited for your comfort. I have a tendency to run hot in the night so I prefer a lighter comforter and a memory foam pillow.
Make going to bed a fun ritual. Spray your lavender, listen to your favorite podcast, meditate if that’s your thing. This is the perfect time and place to just BE with yourself, free from judging eyes and tired partners.
Snacks: make sure you stock on your fave munchies and save them here. Bonus — you get to enjoy them and won’t mysteriously “disappear” the day after you put them in the pantry.
The sexual revolution brought about many much-needed changes. But as with many revolutions, it came with unsustainable ideals that are hard to achieve. Number one, not all love has to be all-consuming all of the time and not all marriages have to be stuck in a state of permanent love-bliss. In fact, it’s probably healthier to have more independence in our relationships. That includes sleeping apart.
And you can always have morning dates when you set aside time to cuddle. It’s not like you’re sleeping in different houses! And if you are, my heart goes out to you.
What I really want to stress is that my way of being happy may not be right for you, you, you or even YOU. So this Valentine’s Day instead of putting pressure on others to show you their love, show a little love for yourself. Give yourself a break from what others think your relationship should be and do what’s right for you. If that means sleeping in a separate room occasionally, buying yourself flowers, and writing yourself a love note, try it. You might find the relationship with yourself is what needs to be celebrated and nurtured. I can do romance and ambition on my own, just like Miley says:
And please COMMENT below to share your insights! But please keep it respectful :)
Happy Valentine’s Day!
